28n’t that Bad

How Exploring Boundaries Has Been Feeding Me

Before turning 28, I detached myself from almost everything and everyone.

In all honesty, I was exhausted from sharing so much of myself that it became difficult to feel connected to anything.

Note to self: Giving away things you don’t have is a recipe for disaster.

Every comment on social media, every random DM conversation that I couldn’t leave unread, every text message that couldn’t wait, every phone call that had to be taken, or every event I couldn’t miss, left me feeling like I was serving up very empty parts of myself, or at least that’s how depleted I felt after everything was said and done.

I was extremely drained from giving away pieces of myself that I was trying to salvage and reconnect with. And in quiet spaces, those disheveled parts of myself would just sit there. Stagnant. Because I had no energy to do the work that required me to sort all of this shit out.

I was stuck in this continuous cycle of girl, what the HELL are you doing? until I discovered that I had nooooooooooooooo-damn-boundaries. Nothing that would hold space for myself to do the work.

Boundaries is really a word you know, but have to discover.

Before boundaries and I had a mutual understanding, our relationship was very dysfunctional, and frankly, a hot ass mess.

As a young girl, the word always came with a negative connotation. To me, if a boundary was created, it should be taken as an offence or lack of trust, and hence, a need for extra protection from something negative or harmful. And what if I was that negative or harmful thing?...I-could-not-deal.

Depending on the circumstance, there were times where boundaries made me feel sheltered and other times that it made me feel shut out. If someone placed a boundary on another person in efforts to keep me safe, I felt protected. If someone placed a boundary on me to protect themself, I felt villainized or even desperate, especially if the restriction was something I never saw coming. And again....I-could-not-deal.

Boundaries had me feeling worthy, then inadequate; energized, then guilty; well rested, then mentally drained; and a whole lot of different feelings that contradict each other and confused the hell out of me.

However, at 28, having boundaries is my newfound way of staying connected to everything outside of myself in a healthy manner.

I am “boundaried” TF up.

Period.

As a means to get my life, I feel like the universe threw me some curveballs that forced me to recalibrate my roadrunning tendencies to a speed that would allow me to sit, chill, REFLECT, and put myself first.

In many of these instances, I started to realize that having no boundaries allowed people to depend on me in ways I was no longer comfortable with or had the capacity to offer. In social, and even work settings, there was a level of disappointment or even a need to have a sit down, if I didn’t enter a space with my “usually vibrant” and “get the party started” attitude. After a while, I started to become extremely agitated and just as uncomfortable as the folks that leaned on me to show up with a certain energy that was no longer there.

As this continuously happened, I started to ask myself why I wasn’t afforded the time and space to not be on, like everyone else?

And as the saying goes, ask....and you shall receive.

And that I did. In the mess of COVID, me and my best friend decided to plan a fun-filled week in Virginia. She had just completed law school at the University of Virginia (go sis!) and I just finished my first year at a new school teaching remotely.

Needless to say, we were tired of working, tired of not shaking our a**, and most of all tired of being miles away from each other. We wanted to love on each other in person, because really, twerking on FaceTime and confiding in each other through a screen just did not hit the same.

In my head, this was a moment to reconnect with my sister who I knew was growing and discovering new parts of herself, as was I. I was also extremely nervous to be around a lot of people because I’d been spending more time inside, and sadly also growing apart from girlfriends that I held near and dear to my heart. All in all, there was a lot of relearning and conversation that needed to happen between us, and a lot of personal hurt that I was carrying into the space.

But even after knowing this, I invited my other homegirls on the trip. Boundary number 1. CROSSED.

I was already a bit nervous to visit my best friend. We hadn’t chilled in person in a while and although we spoke almost everyday, I wondered if the dynamics of our relationship would shift once we were in the same space. Totally disregarding all of the above, I invited my other homies because they seemed like they needed a getaway just as bad as I did. So instead of respecting the feelings I knew to be true, I put them on the backburner and went with a “the more the merrier” type of attitude. And so, three of “My High School Sweethearts,” aka my ride or dies, joined me and my best friend in Virginia. Although everyone had their own problems that they were holding, we were having an amazing time together.

There was one... or maybe several things, though. The plan for reconnecting and spending quality time with my best friend wasn’t being had, the anxiety of losing more friends and being around a group of people for more than a couple of hours started to get the best of me, and I shut ALL the way down. Due to all of the emotions I did not know how to manage at the time, I crossed boundaries, said things from a place of hurt, and retreated into myself without communicating that I needed space.

As I moved through the space in my silence trying to reflect on where I went wrong in all of this, my friends started to express their concern for me. When they approached me to ask what was wrong, I simply said I was fine and wanted to be by myself (I was far from fine y’all).

As each friend came to check in on me (brace yourself), I, ironically, started to get upset. For the last couple of days, I’d watched my friends move through the space, some talkative, like me, some quiet and chillin.’ They were free to move in and out of those two dynamics as they pleased and from my vantage point, I couldn’t understand why when I took the time to be by myself, it was so alarming.

After a while one of my girls, fed up with the tension (and probably my shit), pulled me outside to talk through what was going on. As I was sharing all of my feelings with her, I also expressed how frustrated I was that people kept checking in on me to see if I was okay (lol -- I can laugh at this now cause WTH?) when I felt like I just needed time to sort through my thoughts. I also stated that when my other friends retreated into themselves, they were left to take that space. Why wasn't I afforded the time and space to not be on, like everyone else?

My friend simply said, “Because that’s not how you show up, ever, Tasia. You’re never quiet, you’re always getting things started, making jokes, starting conversations, you’re always on. So, when we see the opposite from you, we automatically think something’s wrong. And to be fair, you kept saying you were fine, and deep down we knew you weren’t.” That’s when I realized not having any boundaries and time to reflect on what I needed and how I consistently showed up in spaces, sent people a very strong message about who I was...and honestly, who I no longer wanted to be.

I quickly felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself for not listening to the things I needed and not creating healthy boundaries for myself and respecting the boundaries of others. Because really, neglecting my boundaries also made room for me to disregard the boundaries others had in place as well. I had to get back into that space immediately and apologize to my friends, share how I was feeling, and tell them that I’m working on being more reflective and putting into place boundaries that help cultivate a more realistic depiction of who I’d like to be.

And as the universe would have it, my amazing group of friends extended me grace while simultaneously being a mirror for my healing. They made space for me to talk through my pain and helped me answer the question that had been on my mind; why wasn't I afforded the time and space to not be on, like everyone else?

It wasn't that I wasn't afforded the time and space to not be on. It was that I was not affording myself the time and space to not be on. I did not make room for myself to be alone and reflect, I did not think about the boundaries I needed to be healthy, I did not think about the boundaries I needed to respect and maintain healthy relationships with my peers, and I definitely didn’t communicate my emotions in a thorough and honest way.

I am so proud of myself for taking a step back, from everything. I am so proud of myself for making more time to evaluate what I need to be happy. I am extremely thankful for the people who afforded me the time and understanding to work through my obstacles and respect my newfound boundaries.

With all of this learning and growing, turning 28 really ain’t that bad. I am now equipped with what I need to make this year more fulfilling and build more meaningful and healthy relationships built on honesty, understanding, and respect.

This year will be the year where manifestation will look like the wave of a wand, but will really be the product of a praying mother, my daughter’s whole existence, a loving tribe, a reflective mind, a lot of checking my damn self, and the promise to never stop doing the work.

Big SAG energies and love to you all,

Tas, the Curator of Sis, We Eatin and…my damn self.